New Year...New Girl?!

Naah!

Sure a lot has changed in my life over the past few months… but have I?...could I?...will I ever?

I have moved in to a different city… a city so different to the one I grew up with that I feel like stranger here even after 7 odd months of living here... I don’t identify with this fast paced city where convenience is THE most important aspect of life...I like the fact that this city has a lot of offer to everyone who comes here wanting to be someone... I respect this city for the history it carries on its shoulders... and I admire this city because it has given me a firm ground where I finally know how to build my life henceforth.

BUT, I don’t IDENTIFY with this city at all... probably never will. Its too business-like for me- one quality I have lacked in my life and forever will- whatever I get into becomes part of me...doesn’t happen to people here! I probably haven’t seen the real heart of the city yet... I’d be glad if anyone ever guided me to it. Until they do, it’ll be like staying in office… I’ll always long to get back home...!

Coming back to me... I have lost count of how many times my life has changed course now. Probably happens to everyone. But for all who know me, they also know how dramatic I am! I truly get amazed at every crossroad, every change, every time the wind changes direction! So the transformation from Atreyee to A.T has been an experience that continues to startle me every time I get time to think about it.

I read another piece of blog today and it hit me hard…actually one word did.

I have grown up wanting to become a SOMEBODY (people who’ve known me for long know how true that is). I have always been in love with adulation. Being surrounded by achievements. Of some kind or the other.

When suddenly reality struck and achievements became hard, really hard to conquer, my entire being was shaken up. If there is one thing I am thankful to this city for, it’s for making me realize that I am human after all. Every one struggles in life to reach their goal. And that, is normal.

It’s strange, but some times, it feels good not be the one from whom performance is expected every single time. Mind you. Only SOME times. I miss being the achiever I grew up as.

When I think back as to why achievements have such a strong hold in my life, I don’t wanna be where I am standing right now. And right now, as I am still thinking on those lines, I realize why I am the way I am. And it’s a very important thing to know.

Those who know me – have you seen the pride flicker in my eyes when you ask me the meaning of my name and I say ‘Atreyee means receiver of glory’…? Have you heard the delight in voice when I utter those words? Have you heard me praise myself umpteen times? Have you seen me break down at tiny failures? And, have you noticed my obsession with myself? You have. I have often wondered why I am like this. I had nothing to do with my name being Atreyee… I never thought of it. I had no contribution to having the eyes I have. I am normal, and so is failure. It’s a part of life.

Not for me. Suddenly today I realized why being the best matters so much. And I feel so silly suddenly that I didn’t have it figured out much much before! I have to be big enough to be visible from the sky. He has to be able to see my achievements from UP there. And that’s that. Small isn’t good enough.

At least I have figured out a part of the SOMEBODY I want to become some day. SOMEBODY has to be huge. The only other parts which need to be revealed are WHO and HOW. Now that my journey has well and truly begun, I know ‘who’ and ‘how’ won’t lag far behind.

Coming back to my topic...New Year, new me? I guess we all know now I am not going to change. I am going to remain the same Atreyee-who-is-obsessed-about-being-the-best... I take detour some times guys, but I always get back on track as well... again, those who know me, they’re smiling!

I love me! :)