randomness...

She left it there. It was going to be hard. She knew it. But she also knew it wasn’t yet time for her to claim it back. Wasn’t yet time to move on. So she left it there. Hoping it would be cared for. Not loved…just cared for till she could claim it back and care for it herself.

She told herself she would only move forward from here. She would be strong and she would quit thinking about what she left behind. The fool never realised it was her heart she was taking these stupid decisions about.

And thus she began her journey. Into the future. And what a beginning it was. The flight in her steps. The lightness in the head. She felt like a feather. And life seemed simple. Perfect. In sync.  She forgot all about that thing she left behind. She decided she could be happy. Should be happy. And so she was.

The fool did not even know how unnatural it was.

Until one day life called on her. Dragged her and made her stand in front of the mirror. She was aghast at the reflection she saw. What was this? Was it even human? It was her. She turned away from the mirror. Hated herself. Cursed at life. And then she cried.

Sat down. Thought. Realised. Turned back and walked towards him. “Did you care for it when I was gone?  You had said you would. Even if you did not love me. You said you would keep it safe.”

He gave her a blank look. Took her hands in his and put some pieces there. “Too late.”

“But…its only been a month! And I still love you!”

Cold stare.

It is time to return. Claim what was her’s. Stick the pieces back together. Learn to love again.

There was a time when she was determined to destroy herself. When she had walked up to the terrace of a ten-storey building and looked down at the roads. And she had decided she did not want to die. She wanted to live and destroy her life. I told you she was stupid.

She walked into his arms from there. And he took control. She fought at home. This was the first time that her family disagreed. She argued. Things went haywire at home. She was determined. He was the complete opposite of the reason why she was headed towards destruction. That too was such a conscious decision that she shocked herself. The plan was foolproof.

He did whatever he wanted. She did not stop him. But there were times when she wanted to turn around and run away. She told him she couldn’t take it. He sulked. He blackmailed. He tortured. And she went back to him. Towards destruction. Her little plan was working well.

But life had to play its part. It shook her up in the worst possible way.  She saw reason. And she fled for her life.

The reason for destruction.  He made her feel like a princess. Then took her to the middle of the ocean, and left her there. He knew she did not know swimming. First love is incurable they say.  They are right. The scars might never heal.

Three times. Three scars. Why her? The fool that she was. It had to be her.

Not to forget these weren’t the only scars she had to deal with. The ghost of a childhood ruined by a person whom she was supposed to trust lurks around. Haunts her. Pins her down. Scares her.

She still has to look at him. Be cordial. Respectful even. Gets chided by people if she is rude.

She loves to love. She loves to be loved back. She trusts. She loves to laugh. And to be happy. To make friends.  She loves being normal. Being ordinary. Not thinking much. Having a life.

Someone needs to tell her that having a life is not easy. Maybe it is time she learnt to not trust anymore.

She is not a sad person. She hates being sad. Maybe that is what pulls her through. Her desire to LIVE.  She hates to survive. She loves winning. And living it up. She will…live.