Because you are not a fond memory…

I was 11…and very fond of reading…Ray gave wings to my imagination…Thakumar Jhuli I almost knew by heart…I loved Nancy Drew…and Enid Blyton made me wish I could turn my school into a hostel…the talkative me would slip very quietly into the world storytellers built around my imagination! My grandmother got me hooked to Saratchandra Chattyopadhyay and Ashutosh Mukherjee…yes, at 11, I had my first taste of romance…heartbreak…incomplete love stories and of course happy endings too…

The unassuming me would have never thought that my silent world built around my books would become my shelter someday…

So, yes, I had my own ideas about how my first kiss should be…at 11…I knew it would be a moment I would never forget…I knew it would be a memory that I would fondly relive all my life…I knew I would be waiting for it like those girls in the novel…and I knew I wasn’t ready for it (yes, I was quite mature…or so I like to think!)

Until you came along…and proved me wrong. All except that I wasn’t ready for it. Or that, it is a moment I will never be able to forget…

You took advantage of the fact that I did not have the strength to fight you…you took advantage of the easy access you had to me…you took advantage of my silence…and you took advantage of me…

I have lived in fear…I have lived through denial…I have lived with seeing your face quite often…I have lived the fight that I had to put up with myself daily…and I have been quiet too long.

No I don’t have fancy stories to tell my girlfriends about my first kiss…it wasn’t pretty…neither was it wanted…nothing that fairy tales are made of…its ironical, almost, that I was still reading fairy tales when I experienced it.

I don’t justify my silence…neither do I justify my anger…but someday, I will find the strength…to delete you from my life…my memories…my nightmares…you definitely do not deserve a place anywhere…that, I am sure of.